Solving The Toilet Seat Crisis

I am tired of the continual controversy over whether a man/boy recently left the toilet seat either up or down.

I am also tired of the mainstream media's orgasmic fixation on the apparently poor economy.

I have an idea that will fix both problems.

The government should provide a bathroom attendant to every single household in America. When a person enters, he/she would ask, "How would you like the lid, sir/madam?" Then he/she would fix the lid and wait patiently while you finish. If you took a particularly long time, he/she could also offer you some gum, a magazine, or call an ambulance. Then, when you are finished, he/she will return the lid to its former state. Routinely, the bathroom attendant will clean the bathroom and replace the TP roll, and might be trained to perform other services such as cleaning out that annoying bathtub ring and perhaps compiling a weekly shopping list for the homeowners' toiletry needs. The bathroom attendant would be paid by the government from a pool of the unemployed. Preference would, of course, be given to people with Master's degrees in "Women's Studies" or "World Peace Studies."

Notice all the problems this solves:

1) Unemployment - one attendant per household will literally wipe out any crises with employment!

2) Disputes - the toilet lids always start the same way and end the same way. We pay somebody to keep men and women from fighting!

3) Responsibility - my plan helps us avoid it! Heck, why should anyone have to be responsible for setting the toilet in the state that THEY want it? Since we have all already obtained an entitlement mentality in the U.S. (and we already want someone else to fix the toilet seat for us anyway) and the government already tells us how much our toilets can flush, let's let the government take care of everything for us! It can even replace the TP roll for us! It can spray after we leave! It can take out the trash! It can provide stimulating conversation for us while we, ummmmmm, wait!!!

This plan, if you don't mind my saying so, rocks! This will be the greatest government work program in history and certainly will also be a hindrance to the growth of domestic violence! What do you say?

How this amazing idea escaped inclusion in President Obama's stimulus package is frankly one of the great mysteries of all of human history.